Catalyst, Book One - Chapter Five - "Saying Goodbye"

 

I didn’t really know what it was with Celine, but I had a new wave of optimism as I sped home. I had, however, taken much longer than I had anticipated, and sure enough, I could see that the lights were on in the living room when I pulled into the driveway.

"Where have you been? We’re starving here!" Keith moaned, still curled up on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and head.

"You look pathetic," I grumbled. "And don’t you mean, ‘Good morning, Lana, what did you have in mind for breakfast this beautiful morning?’ Or, ‘What could I help you with?’ Or-"

"Quit bitchin' and get in the kitchen," Brody joked, as he came through the doorway.

"You, sir, are lucky I have groceries in my hands." I threatened. I bumped him out of my way and sarcastically stalked into the kitchen.

I would have played into being insulted a bit more had I not felt so bittersweet about everyone scattering. The optimism, I concluded, was focused on the living situation, not the factors leading up to it. Everyone was setting off to start their new lives. I was proud of them and excited too, but I was also hit with a feeling of abandonment as well as a wave of panic – I didn’t have any exciting plans of my own. I couldn’t bring myself to choosing a direction yet – nothing seemed right.

I set down the two bags of groceries and peaked out around the wall of the doorway. Keith looked like a giant slug, sprawled out on the floor like that, he was probably suffering a little from the night before. Next to him was JT, propped up against the couch and flipping through channels. Brody had set the two cushions back into the love seat and was laying across it, his feet hanging over the edge and Sadie and Andrew were on the main couch, with Sadie’s back pressed against the side of it, her legs across Andrew’s lap.

Hollie came down the stairs in a fresh outfit and a towel wrapped around her hair.

"Good morning sunshine," she sang cheerfully, bounding into the kitchen.

"Morning," I sulked.

"What’s the matter with you?" She asked, plopping into a chair at the table.

"Nothing. Other than the fact that everyone is leaving me forever, I‘m fantastic," I said, only half sarcastically. I turned on the stove and oven and pulled out a bowl to mix the pancakes in.

"You butt-head. I told you to come spend the summer with me in Maine," she said, flipping her wet hair over and wrapping a towel around it. "We could have wandered around the beach and the little towns, maybe taken a trip down to spend the weekend in New York City – we still could do that you know."

"I can’t leave Dad now," I said, dropping the first pancake on the griddle. "I already told him I was coming home. But," I said, pointing at her with the spatula, "If things get too lame here, I just may take you up on that."

"Good. Now what’s for breakfast, Betty Crocker?" she said, poking through my groceries. "Want me to slice up these strawberries?"

"Sure. I also want you to promise me one thing."

She pulled a large knife from the block. "What’s that?" she asked.

"One, don’t slice your hand off," I laughed. "But two," I paused.

"What?" she asked again, pausing for an answer.

"Don’t go getting any other best friends over there right away, okay?"

"Oh you idiot," she chortled, violently chopping off the ends of the strawberries.

"I’m serious," I laughed, half-heartedly. "Everyone is leaving me!" I stuck out my bottom lip in a pout.

"You…" she began, "Are… an idiot."

"Thanks, and I’ll take that as an agreement," I snickered, flipping the pancakes over.

It did make me laugh, but did nothing to ease my sadness about the gigantic white elephant in the room. Interactions were normal as we ate breakfast around the TV – the seven of us, squished into the living room with our paper plates.

"Can’t we watch something else?" moaned Hollie.

"Family Guy is hilarious, what are you talking about?" said JT, with a mouthful of egg,

"This has got to be the stupidest show in the history of television," she whined again. "Television should stimulate your brain at least a little bit."

"It’s funny," Brody said with his eyes glued to the TV.

"A classic," agreed Keith.

"It’s rotting your brain," she grumbled again. "I Love Lucy is a classic." JT looked at her for a second and smiled a stupid lippy smile, took an exaggerated bite of food, and still smiling, slowly turned his attention back to the screen.

"Idiot," she whispered, daintily cutting a piece of pancake.

Breakfast came and went too soon for me and after the breakfast stuff was cleared away, we sat around for a while. Miraculously, the TV was off this time.

"Time for a walk?" I offered.

"Sure," sighed Sadie, "We should."

"Down to the boat launch?" asked Keith.

Brody sighed loudly. "Why not?"

We all piled on shoes and sweatshirts. It was warm outside, but the boat launch was usually chilly. We walked around the corner onto Shore Drive and hiked down the road towards the private access driveway that led straight to the water. I walked behind everyone, smiling as I watched my friends interact as if nothing traumatic was about to happen. Keith jumped on Brody’s back after he had flicked a piece of something at him. JT had picked a piece of long grass and was tickling Hollie’s ear with it, and as usual, Sadie and Andrew were off to the side, holding hands, walking in silence.

To both sides of the boat launch there are a few rock steps that lead down to the beach. Brody and Keith jumped down to the sand and continued harassing each other. We had the entire beach to ourselves, which was usually the case up here. JT and Hollie plopped down on the pavement a couple feet above the lapping waves. Sadie and Andrew walked along the beach a ways, Sadie, stopping to pick up a shell. I pulled on my sweatshirt hood and settled myself on the boat ramp, lying on my back.

The sky was bright blue, with no clouds in sight. The slight spray of salty water fogged around my face as the low tide began to come in. In the distance I could hear the group of birds calling as they floated out in the water and the faint sound of a cruise ship horn that was passing far out in the shipping canal. It was all so relaxing and welcome, but I couldn’t focus on anything except my friends. I sat up and hugged my knees just in time to see an officer in his little gray boat cruise by out beyond the surf.

"I’m gonna miss you guys," I whimpered almost to myself. Only Hollie and JT heard me, and they both turned around and smiled.

"Gonna miss you too," said JT.

We poked around the beach for a while, but all too soon, it was time for everyone to go. Sadie, Andrew, and Hollie had planes to catch and the boys still had to move out of their house. They helped me throw the rest of the cushions back onto the couches and straighten up before we all found ourselves with our hands in our pockets in front of Brody’s Jeep.

"Well," Sadie muttered, slamming Andrew’s tailgate shut.

"This is it, kids," said Keith, kicking at the ground.

Brody’s keys jingled as he pulled them out of his pocket. "Time to hit the road I guess. Come here," he said as he pulled Sadie in for a hug. He shook Andrew’s hand over her shoulder, and then turned to Hollie.

We all took turns saying other good-bye. Hollie and I walked to her car together. I had a note written for her, and I pulled it out of the pouch of my sweatshirt.

"Don’t read this until you are on the ferry," I said. "Or you’ll cry and blur your vision." I tried to laugh, but it sort of came out as the beginning of a sob.

"Don’t cry, you fool, we’ll see each other soon!" she promised. I nodded as we hugged again. She got in her little red Focus with the dented bumper, smiled again and closed the door.

When she rolled the window down, I tried to lighten the mood. "Don’t forget to write now, ya hear?"

She smiled again and looked at me seriously. "Remember to brush twice a day. We don’t want to end up like the neighbors now do we?"

"Mrs. Henderson is 97 - she has dentures," I laughed. "But I get the hint. Thanks," I said, leaning in. "Okay then. Safe drive, safe flight."

And she was gone. Sadie and Andrew had already pulled out behind her. I watched Sadie go, confident I would see her soon, but Hollie. Hollie had no reason to come back. Nevertheless, I hated to see anyone go. Keith and JT had already said goodbye and were in the Jeep, fighting over the front seat. Brody had just thrown his last bag in the back and now was walking towards me.

"Well," he said, shrugging slowly and smiling his toothy, sideways smile. "Do I get a hug, or what?"

I nodded and stepped into his arms, my face buried into his shoulder. His black Northface jacket was soft and smelled of his cologne. I breathed it in and wrapped my arms around his waist tighter than usual.

"We’ll see each other again soon, all of us. We’ll all meet up somewhere. Vegas maybe!" he joked. "You’ll see us so much you won’t even miss us!"

"I’ll miss you all," I squeaked out. I cleared my throat. "Alright get out of here, before I ask you to stay forever."

Brody smiled and kissed my forehead. "See you, Lenny, have a good summer."

"You too," I whispered. "Stay out of trouble," I yelled to JT and Keith.

"Always do," Keith smiled.

"Love ya, Lana," said JT waving wildly from the back seat as Brody got in and pulled out of the driveway.

That was it. They drove away.

The phrase, "The silence was deafening," never held such a profound meaning for me before. I was numb... so much had happened, so much would never be the same again.

I couldn’t stand it.

I crossed the living room, mine suddenly the only footsteps. I turned the TV onto the news and let it blare loudly and tossed the remote onto the couch as I wandered into the kitchen to browse my options.

I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed something to do, so I rummaged around the pantry. There was hardly a thing inside – Dad was a bachelor alright. Eventually I found an ancient bag of tea and settled on that. The microwave buzzed monotonously as my mug of water heated – I listened to the news in the other room – just as monotonous.

I had just settled into the couch when I realized that I should start to unpack before Dad got home. Then it hit me. My room!

What an idiot, I thought to myself as I practically dropped my steaming tea onto the coffee table, jumped over the back of the couch and hurdled the stairs. I hadn’t even been up here yet.

Settling in upstairs meant everything was real. Friends were really gone, we had really moved out, school had really ended, and soccer too. My whole life was ending, or was it starting, I guess? The whole subject made me lose my breath, and therefore, I was repressing the feelings.

The analysis of my emotional state screeched to a halt in my head as my body stopped at the top of the stairs. All of this was new – the floors, the dry wall, paint, even a few pictures hung on the wall. Dad had really been working. There were still three bedrooms up here, two with attaching bathrooms. The first door was Dad's room, right by the stairs, (no sneaking out for me, I guess.) There was also the door to the second bedroom and a tiny spare bathroom where Hollie had taken her shower.

I wandered through the new hallway, taking tentative steps towards my bedroom door. The room straight ahead had been chosen because of the attaching bathroom, walk in closet, and the view. I had the best view in the house. Dad could see the water, but I could smell it. I love that smell.

"Holy crap," I said out loud as the door swung open, slamming against the wall.

The image I had of the room before, wood paneled walls and bunk beds, evaporated like a fog in my head as I stepped onto the refinished floor. The cracked and peeling wall paneling was gone and a fresh coat of paint now covered the new spackled dry wall.

The window was the center focus of the room and had been even before the remodel. But now it had an addition. Dad had cut into the wall underneath it during the remodel and had installed the white framed and pillow-top window seat. To the left of this was my old bed, simple and white. Two nightstands stood on either side – all of these had been mine in our old house.

Still standing in the doorway, mouth still hanging open, I saw to my immediate right a brown armchair with a small side table closest to me. Next to it on the other side, a large, tall bookcase. The archway to the closet was the same, and was in the corner next to the bookcase.

Inside the closet, I found the glorious storage space college life had deprived me of. One side of the walk-in was two levels of hanging space while the opposite side held shelves and racks for shoes, bags and other stuff. Walking the short length of the closet led me to the bathroom. This had been left relatively untouched to my relief - he spent way too much time, effort and money on this. I could have lived, and was expecting to live, in the old room.

Back on my bed, there was a note and a wrapped package. I grabbed it and wove my way back through the maze of boxes to find the chair in the corner. I sat down and opened the envelope.

"Happy Graduation Lenny. Annie, Eli and I are so proud of you! Hope you enjoy your room, hope you were surprised! Eli and Annie helped out when they visited last month – Annie picked out the sheets, and decorations. (She also put the pictures up in the hall – I thought you should know, in case you were worried that I suddenly took up interior design.) I’ll see you on Sunday. Love you, Dad"

I laughed out loud. I should have known Dad to not attempt decorating. Sniffling a little, I put the card down and opened the package. Inside was a new leather-bound journal. I had kept one since I could remember and it was Dad’s tradition to get me a new one at the beginning of every summer. Smiling, I pulled at the cover and pages, listening to the crinkle of the paper as they creased open for the first time. I grabbed a pen from one of my stationary boxes turned the first page.

"Saturday, June 20th, 2009

I love my new journal. I love my new room. Dad is completely ridiculous - he shouldn’t have done this. But I love it. I met Celine Chadwick today – my first friend in this place. That and this new room are the only things making me feel like I might be okay here for a while. We’ll see."

I set the journal and pen down on the side table, walked over and flung open the big window. I leaned out, looking way down to the side yard. There really wasn’t anything in our yard except a few trees, grass and lots of moss, but further out across the pavement I could see clearly, the sharp greenish blue water through the dark pine trees.

It was twilight by the time I finished unpacking. It startled me – I hadn’t realized it had gotten so late. My room was finished, though, and it made me smile to see everything in its place, like it belonged there. It was comforting – books and old journals on the shelves, an extra blanket on the chair, all my clothes, shoes, purses and things all in their proper place. I had switched on some music when I found my stereo, but the last song had ended and now I stood in silence in the doorway, folding up the last empty box.

I went down the hall quietly. I hate being by myself at night when it's too quiet. The slightest noise will send my heart into my ears and I won’t ever relax after that. It must have something to do with being confined in the house because I’m hard to make nervous when I’m out in public. I was confident walking home from a bar, or parking in a public garage after dark. No, it had to be the ambushing in the home part that scared me to pieces. Thankfully, the TV was still blaring irate voices on CNN and all the lights were on. I left the news screaming at me and walked into the kitchen where I cooked up the remaining eggs and a piece of toast.

I could still see outside. The street lights had just come on so I wasn’t overly scared yet. I flipped off the TV and opened the front door. Out on the porch in the hot night air, I slowly munched my dinner. Across the street I could see Mrs. Henderson through her living room window vacuuming her carpet. If she can live alone up here, I can survive one night.

I finished my dinner, locked the front and back door and with nothing better to do, I went back upstairs. I took a hot shower and got ready for bed. I locked my bedroom door and snuggled deep into the covers. That's when I looked at the clock. 8:49PM. Pathetic.

Actually, it wasn't that hard to get to sleep the first night. I just didn't stay asleep for long. The creaks and groans of the house were foreign to me, and stirred me out of a deep sleep on more than one occasion. I couldn’t believe how quiet it was out here. At home in Seattle, cars honking and screeching, people yelling outside, and my roommates in the living room until late couldn’t compete with my sleeping habits. Here though, it was so quiet it woke me up. That and the nightmares I must have been having. I couldn't remember the last time I had a dream scary enough to wake me up. Nevertheless, at midnight, and few times before morning, I awoke with a start. Couldn't remember the dream though.